i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
