There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
