today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
