Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't deserve a penis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
