Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
4 words: hood of his car
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
