; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
