hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
