Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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