he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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