Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
