Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
