Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
