Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Randomize
