remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
