literally had 100 drinks last night.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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