Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
