I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
