when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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