don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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