That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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