Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
