I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
