i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
