Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
