when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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