i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
