My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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