3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need a beard to bite.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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