Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
