my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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