I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
