Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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