i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
