I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
