hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
