At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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