I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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