thus making me awesome and them whores
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
