What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
