Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
