Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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