Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
