i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
