Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
