9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
