My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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