So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
