Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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