I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
