i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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