you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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