Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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