just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
