why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
