Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
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I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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