i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
