Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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