Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My liver just had a heart attack.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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