i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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