Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
They took my balls.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
