Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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